He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
