i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
