She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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