The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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