when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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