this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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