my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
