I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
