Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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