It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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