btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
