Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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