Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
