I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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