yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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