so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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