got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
