My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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