So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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