he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
