So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
