The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
