I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
