Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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