The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
