I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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