Soap is not a condiment
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
