I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
