just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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