The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
