Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
