If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just had sex on a roof
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
