I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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