he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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