i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
