Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
