Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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