I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
