I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
