Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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