I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
