I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
