mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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