Plan B is the new Plan A
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
