Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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