Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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