i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
