R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
