at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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