I looked at my own cervix.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
how drunk are you?
Several
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
