This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
